


light up a hesitating friend's way

by silverinerivers



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Study, Feelings Realization, Getting Together, Growing Up, Happy Ending, Introspection, Long-Distance Friendship, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Post-Canon, Reunions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:48:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23455048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silverinerivers/pseuds/silverinerivers
Summary: The words break down a wall somewhere within him, and Killua fails to contain the damage. He can’t hate the sun for losing its radiance in the dark; he can’t hate Gon for falling apart; he can’t stop loving him even when they’re miles of dirt and desires and unsaid words apart.“…I loved you, you idiot.” Killua whispers back instead, brokenly, the wind howling in the distance.
Relationships: Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 15
Kudos: 207





	light up a hesitating friend's way

**Author's Note:**

> Title from hikare are by Burnout Syndromes.

He was old enough to kill, but not old enough to love.

Killua has this startling realization one day, walking hand in hand with Alluka in Zaban City, the place where he first took the Hunter Exam, the place where he met Gon.

Just as Gon is selfish, Killua is selfless. It’s been almost two years since they parted ways and he still hasn’t found a purpose in life, at least one that isn’t tied to someone else. It seems that Killua is predisposed to dote and worry about anyone that’s not himself. After all, on that night, he was willing to die alongside his only friend; without Gon, what was Killua?

It took him some time to realize it wasn’t normal, his innate inclination for self-sacrifice and craving for external affirmation, especially not for a former assassin. After traveling with Alluka and having her scold him for never putting his needs at par with hers, Killua realizes then that’s love, the warm, healthy kind. At the end of the day, what Alluka wanted was to walk with him side by side. When Killua remembers that unbearably sunny day in Greed Island, all he thinks of is the light catching the tip of Gon’s spikes, his back half turned away, and how Gon had not asked him to, but knew (perhaps expected) he would follow.

Killua thinks of his claws drenched in blood after ripping out his first heart, the agony on his victim’s face, the warm heartbeat dripping sickly in his palm, and feeling empty. And yet, Killua remembers each time he’s cried for Gon, because of Gon, and wonders if that’s funny, given the people he’s killed and how he has never shed a tear while being tortured by his family. Emotion is supposed to make you weak, ineffective, a hazard to the job. Killua didn’t care for it, didn’t have a reason to, but Gon rolled into his life, and every one of Killua’s feelings took flight with Gon by his side. Except, none of it stuck quite as hard as seeing Gon’s body crumple in slow motion into a lump of hair, hearing his pulse slow to a trickle, shocking him to life once, twice, three times in a frenzy of blue sparks and tears. Killua notes that as when the dam broke, and when the sobs, the affection, the _yearning_ hit him. His love blossomed and wilted all at once. In that moment, Killua knew he was in too far.

When Killua left, a part of him hoped Gon would ask him to stay. Even though he knows he’s not strong enough for this; he can’t keep loving like this.

But Gon doesn’t; he’s found what he was looking for, and so has Killua, hasn’t he? He’s finally Killua, without Gon. Alluka smiles at him and says Nanika is ready to pick the next destination, map and dart in hand. Killua smiles back.

He is now old enough to know not to kill, and old enough to tell himself love isn’t enough.

A few months later, Nanika’s dart lands on Whale Island of all places, and Killua’s smile trembles despite himself. Alluka takes over and clasps both of Killua’s hands together using her own.

“Brother, we don’t have to go. I’m not ready to let you go yet.” She says in a small yet demanding voice.

“Alluka, we always go where the dart takes us. It’s okay, I’m not ready to let you go either.” Killua replies softly. _But I think I’m ready to see him._

* * *

Killua calls Gon the next day, as a heads up. It’s been a while since their last conversation, so the deeper tenor of Gon’s voice surprises him. They catch up, bicker, and then Killua drops the news.

“You’re coming to visit? It’s been so long!” Gon exclaims.

“Yeah, Nanika chose it this time. It’ll probably be in about a week, I hope you don’t mind.” Killua replies, trying for as nonchalant as he can.

“I’m so glad. I didn’t know where you were, and I didn’t want to intrude. I’ve been wanting to talk to you for a while.” Gon pleads. Killua feels his heart flutter helplessly, though he’s not sure why.

“About what? You know you can call anytime, don’t you?” He says.

There’s a pause on the other side, and then: “I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to. I was sure that you hated me. D-do you Killua?”

The words break down a wall somewhere within him, and Killua fails to contain the damage. He can’t hate the sun for losing its radiance in the dark; he can’t hate Gon for falling apart; he can’t stop loving him even when they’re miles of dirt and desires and unsaid words apart.

“…I loved you, you idiot.” Killua whispers back instead, brokenly, the wind howling in the distance.

The rest of the phone conversation is distinctly awkward. Gon stammers and Killua swears his blush travels on phone waves and they don’t mention Killua’s confession at all. Killua almost wants to take it back, tell Gon it’s not like that, that of course they love each other after all they’ve been through, but his longing refuses to quit on the off chance that maybe Gon feels the same. It’s out there, Gon knows, and Killua feels what can only be described as the heaviest relief.

* * *

Before he buys the tickets for the ferry ride to go to Whale Island, Alluka corners him.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this brother? I know how hard this must be for you.” She asks. Alluka is young but perceptive; she reminds Killua of himself.

“It’s fine, I’m not the same person and neither is he. We’ll be okay. It’s not like we’re sticking around, we still have a whole world to see!”

Alluka frowns, seeing and blowing right through his maneuvers. “You don’t need to stick around to get hurt. I don’t think Gon ever wants to hurt you, but it happened before, and now that he knows you love him, it’s okay to be afraid of his reaction.”

Killua freezes. “Alluka, What did you say –“

“You’re not as quiet as you think on the phone brother.” She teases, and leaves Killua red, feeling both proud and flustered at the same time.

When they step off the ferry, Gon is waiting at the dock with bright eyes and his lips tight-lined, determined. Alluka squeezes Killua’s hand, gently and assuring.

“Oi, Gon. I was going to call you once I got here. I didn’t even tell you which day the ticket was for, how did you know?” Killua calls out.

Gon frames his mouth with his hands like a loudspeaker and _screams._

“I’ve been waiting here every day since we hung up! I can’t believe you’re here!”

Gon’s entire being is so full of energy, so pure, and Killua forgets the darkness and thinks this is what it feels like to fall in love all over again.

* * *

Underneath a sky full of stars, Killua waits for the ball to drop. He expects a bad soliloquy, or a stream of incoherent words. He doesn’t expect this.

“Killua, I’m sorry. I don’t expect you to forgive me. I haven’t done anything worth earning your forgiveness, and I haven’t asked. But I miss you Killua, and I’m sorry.” Gon starts, sincere. Unlike his first apology, there are no tears streaming down his face. His voice barely wavers as if he’s practiced this for a long time.

Killua softens at the heartfelt words. “You’ve already apologized.” They both know about what, and they’ve always danced around the topic before, but Gon doesn’t let it go this time.

“That wasn’t enough. It doesn’t count until you know that I made a terrible mistake and I’ll never do such a reckless thing again. That night, I said it didn’t matter to you, but how could it not? That was so selfish of me to say, and I made you clean up my mess again like you always do.” Gon sniffs, contrite. “All my life, I’ve wanted to find Ging, and when I finally found him, I didn’t even feel complete because now I was missing you. I took you for granted.”

Gon leaves Killua breathless.

“I’ve missed you too.” Killua says the only thing he can without falling to pieces, which sounds achingly inadequate. How is it that no matter what Gon does, Killua’s already given him everything?

“I haven’t stopped thinking about what you – you said you loved me. Past tense.” Gon _blushes_ and Killua’s eyes widen, suddenly understanding the appeal of teasing now. “And I couldn’t say it to you before because I didn’t know, I didn’t realize what that was until you were gone. I kept looking beside me to find no one, saved up a list of things to tell you but I couldn’t – I felt so shameful. How could I ask you to forgive me and love me back when you’re so far out of reach? I couldn’t say it over the phone, but I also couldn’t ask you to come see me.” Gon looks away, pained, and Killua all of a sudden feels the same. He confessed over the _phone,_ and now Gon is fixated over the past tense of a word that slipped out on a whim.

“But then you called, you said you didn’t hate me, and you were coming here.” Gon takes a deep breath, and Killua stops breathing in sync. “It’s so selfish of me to hope, to want you only after you’ve decided to go. But I’m still asking, I don’t deserve it but I’m asking you, do you love me still Killua?”

Killua remembers each time he’s followed Gon blindly without question, the strides running on muscle memory and instinct. He remembers feeling left behind, only to find that he’s been on the other side too. His heart pounds and he closes his eyes, cherishing not only on the fact that Gon _misses_ him _wants_ him _loves_ him, but that Gon’s asking him.

So Killua chooses to step beside him and bathe in the sunlight without looking away. He chooses to lean in and kiss Gon, soft and careful. He tastes surprise and eagerness on Gon’s lips as they fumble together with the sensation of something new.

“You can’t just ask me that and not say it yourself.” Killua murmurs, chuckling faintly as he pulls away. Gon gasps against Killua’s mouth and whispers a quick _sorry._

“I love you Killua! I love you; I love you; I love you.” Gon repeats like a mantra earnestly. “Now can you say it again?”

“I love you too, you idiot.” Killua replies, closing the lingering space between them, and begins to live in the present.


End file.
